The last time I posted a blog was September 2015, 7 months ago. That's a long time in the social media galaxy. The last four years of my life have been extremely difficult and although I have stood up and dusted myself off repeatedly, another trial or new harsh reality has slammed my fragile equilibrium sending me underground again and again. Taxing and unrelenting. At times, this steady stream of difficulties has seemed impossible. You know things are bad when you stop sharing your hurts with close friends. If I had a friend that had been slammed this often, I'd take a step back just to avoid the sadness and heaviness; high tail it away from the anxiety of grief and loss......FLEE. I might even fear that some of the mess would trickle over to my side of the fence. Best to slowly step back and avoid connecting as much as possible.
Part of my problem is that I have been overwhelmingly blessed for most of my life and it is about time I realized that. My expectations are, or were, too high: life will always be good, I will always have what I need to be content and happy, everyone that I love will stay strategically placed in the landscape of my life right where I need them, my future will be bright and sunny.
All this hardship has actually offended me. I am offended. How arrogant is that? As if somehow I deserved only the best that life had to offer.
I don't deserve that at all. Life is hard. The more people you love, the more pain you invite into your future. The easier your life has been, the less resilience and strength you earn. All the good stuff, the happiness, the joy, the opportunities, the people, the comfort, they are all gifts. I am blessed to have them but it's not my right to have them. I think this might be called, growing up. At 52, it is about time. My apologies to all of you whose hardships started early in life, trotting beside you like old companions. I imagine if you are still here and still smiling those old companions have seasoned and strengthened you. They have made you sturdy and ready for life in a difficult world. I want to be just like you.
But, I am not quite ready to embrace my difficulties, yet. I still wish I could package them all up and send them to an address on a different planet; but they are mine and they are teaching me. I am learning to appreciate all the blessings but not hold on to them with tight fists. I am learning to let strength and courage and resilience settle into my being. These are pearls that I will hold on to with clenched fists; fists that I punch into the air in defiance of my weaknesses and the weaknesses in the world around me.